I've never really been much of a writer, and when I started this blog my wife and I joked that when it was finished we could have it published and retire. If I had the freedom to write all that I have felt and experienced in the past two years, I'm not sure if anyone would buy the book or if they did, I'm not sure that any who read it would have ever advised me to leave the machine shop...
Don't get me wrong, I am not struggling with my sense of calling from God. I have been reminded this week that a call from God starts with a call to God. The call to God has been clear for most of my life, although I admit there were many long seasons where I ignored it. The call from God into ministry is no less clear but the direction of that call has become cloudy, like looking across a field through the fog to what seems like it might be the barn but could equally be my imagination. I know that something is there but I am no longer sure that it is what I thought it was when I started out.
Perhaps this sensation could be attributed to "itchy feet" a condition that has seemed to creep into my life after two and half years at a particular job without fail. It was this condition that caused me to leave Grover Gundrilling and pursue greener pastures. Those pastures turned out to be pastures of spinach. (Need I say more?) However I have learned that what I do is no longer "just a job." Not to say that anyone else's occupation is trivial or less important but in this vocation it is much more complicated than just telling your boss that you are sick of the way things are done around here. The sense of making a change is just more difficult. I guess I should be happy that there is opportunity for things to change at all. I suppose, however, that then opportunities to exercise my itchy feet didn't exactly seek me out. Such is not the case now. Even as I type this Campus Crusade for Christ called me to offer me the chance to teach Youth Ministry in Belaruse. I have no idea where Belaruse is. I can't get over how in the past two years itchy foot powder salesman have knocked on my door. Is it from the Lord? I have no idea. I can't tell if the enemy is trying to distract me from the calling of God with offers that are seemingly more attractive or if the Lord is truly offering me better opportunities for His service. I have to be honest and say that I never considered this as part of the equation.
When I turned down my first official "call" to a church I knew that the call was from the church and not necessarily from the Lord mostly because my wife said if I answered the call I would answer it alone. I often wondered in the days following if I would ever be called again because I had turned down that opportunity. Obviously this was not the case because here I am now wondering what to do next.
My passion is for the Church capitol "C." I want nothing more than for the Church to be the Church God designed. I want people to hear and respond to the Gospel and when the church functions according to God's design people do and they are discipled, taught and sent out to continue the work of the Lord through the Church.

All I know is this: I can't fulfill that passion like this.
Maybe "can't" isn't the right word. I just struggle seeing that happen here, not like this.